How can I be so unlucky to have fallen for somebody who would never look at me twice?
How can a girl like me, so imperfect in all aspects of the word, even dare dream of having a fairy tale ending?
How can I, so human and so common, be so hurt by losing something I never really had?
It will be a mystery as to why some human beings like myself can be so full of the crap that is fairy tale endings and ideals mixed together.
Perhaps, it will remain a mystery forever.
If I had a thousand Christmas wishes to be granted by the 25th of December, I’d give each one of you a strip of paper to write your own wishes in. That’s all I can give this Christmas, some love and some hope that all our Christmas wishes come true.
Dear Diary,
I know that not a lot of people follow me on here and will be able to read this which is exactly why I am typing it on here. I am going to post it here. Because this is my blog. This is mine. Read that? M.I.N.E. Mine.
I have finally and I mean it when I say finally decided that I am going to get on with my life with my head clear. No more ifs and maybes and hesitant answers. When I say yes, it will be YES. When I say no, it will be NO. I’m just done and over with my very indecisive self. It’s all too much. It’s getting in the way of the things that I wanna do for myself. I am done with that. No more. I want to live and live well.
Of course, the heartaches will be there. I mean, life’s never been too easy for me. I’ve always had my own ups and downs and man, when I get to my downs, I go down hard. And I just want to move on and jump over them, leave them behind and probably, if I do look back, I’ll look at them with triumph on my face. No regrets. That’s really just what I want to do.
I will still mumble and blabber and stutter and trip over myself and flat surfaces. I will still fall, fall hard, fall terribly. I’m gonna drop down to my knees in despair and crawl even. But what I’m not gonna do, is KISS ASS. I will not kiss ass. I am so done with being Miss Congeniality and the friend to everybody. I just have to stick to the truth of life that not only will I not be able to please everybody, I will also not be able to like everybody. There are just too many intolerable bitches and asses out there. I’m not saying I’m an angel, what I’m saying is, there are other people there who are just not meant to click with me. I am fine with that. My crowd is my crowd. That’s it. Finished. I love my girls, I love my guys. I love my family. Voila, my own circle of love.
In the real side of things, I will still be hurt. I will still ache a bit when I remember how my crush likes to wake up next to his girlfriend. Or how he picks her up from her night out. I will still get achy-achy over those stupid, little things. But I will never, ever, ever take them against me. So what if he doesn’t like me? Or I’m not his type? Shit happens. But I’m not that shit. The shit is that I like him, he doesn’t like me. That’s shit. But hey, shit exists because we gotta let the bad go sometimes. We can’t keep holding that in. It will make us sick. Who wants to be sick, right? So yeah, there. The stupid little things that hurt will still hurt me. I’m not Wonder Woman, I’m not Superman’s sister. I’m human. I’m me. I’m just little old me. Maybe, I’ll cry over the petty and shallow things I remember or see or hear or find out. But that’s just about it. I’m gonna cry and probably mope. But after that, I’ll throw the tissue paper away, brush my hair up and face the world. That’s just how it goes. You can’t be stuck.
Most of all, before 2013 comes, I want to declare that I officially know and acknowledge the fact that I always have more than two options. Well, it isn’t really an option when it’s just one right? So there. Yeah. There’s always that option called: A. Just do what you feel like doing. If it goes bad, then sorry. If it happens right, good job! I think that’s a pretty smart choice. The greatest stories don’t come from planned actions.
There it is. My whole new perception in life. I am coming, 2013. And I, Rachel, will make things happen ;)
<3
Rachel
CHAPTER 2
The following morning, she woke up at six in the morning just like every day. She rubbed her eyes lazily, yawning and stretching. She touched the covers and felt them just as soft as they were last night. That means only one thing; she really was in Liam’s hotel room. Sitting up, she thought about what he said last night. They were going job hunting today. But what if he only said that to make her feel better? She mused as she went to the bathroom and looked for a toothbrush and some soap to clean up.
She emerged a half an hour later, fresh and ready to take on the world. Somehow, a part of her wished Liam would keep his word but she knew he would be busy anyway. She had long understood that keeping her hopes up would do nothing good to her. Christen opened the door, her bag slung over her shoulder.
There, standing across the hall, in cream-colored jeans and black button-down shirt, was Liam. He looked good in the morning. “Had a good sleep?” he asked as he walked closer to her, his arms crossed in front of him. Christen looked at him for a few more seconds, blinking her eyes as if to check if this was a dream again. She thought she must have looked so dumb while she did that. “Yes, I did. Thank you,” she said smiling as she checked her bag if all her essentials were there. “And you?” She asked thoughtfully. Liam nodded, that dashing smile still across his face. “Let’s go for breakfast,” he invited her, holding out his elbow for her to hold. She looked at him as if he just asked her to get married. Liam shrugged and just put a hand on her back. “Come on, don’t tell me you don’t eat before going job hunting? That’s probably why you fainted yesterday,” Liam told her, a furrow between his eyebrows. Christen gulped, he was right. She lacked energy that’s why she fainted and if today’s food was free, then yes, she would eat before job hunting. “Fine, I’ll—I mean, let’s eat breakfast,” she said with an awkward smile.
They rode the elevator to the banquet hall where breakfast was being served. It was buffet style and as soon as Christen saw the food, she closed her eyes and inhaled the scent. So sumptuous, she thought as she released Liam’s elbow. The guy beside her just chuckled but put on a straight face when Christen turned to him rather quickly. “Go on, have breakfast,” he said, smiling softly. When Christen was a bit hesitant, he nudged her and even got a plate for her. “Pile up and then our table’s over there,” he pointed to a far corner of the room. She noticed that it was a table for two people only. Where were the other guys? She was about to ask him when Liam explained it, “They had breakfast delivered up to their rooms. I thought it was healthier if we had breakfast here. More choices for you.”
Christen and Liam got separate plates and went around the buffet tables, picking foods which they liked. She got a pile of veal sausages and bacon strips, banana muffins and croissants, and even some bread and butter pudding. She went to the table ahead of him, bringing a plate of her bounty breakfast and a small bowl of fresh lychee. As she sat down, she closed her eyes and prayed silently for this beautiful blessing of food. It has been a long, long time since she’s had this plenty of food to eat. To add that it was free, it could already be her birthday! Opening her eyes, she saw Liam watching her intently. He smiled approvingly at her plate and ate as well. He chose to get plenty of food so that she won’t be shy around him or while eating. He wanted her to fill up because they had a long day ahead.
They were out of the hotel and inside one of the staff’s cars in less than an hour. That’s after Liam tried to entertain about a hundred fans waiting persistently outside the hotel. He just couldn’t let them stand there and wait for nothing. Christen stood on the side, waiting for him to finish and she just had to smile at his patience with all the mumbling and star struck girls. She definitely understood how they felt.
As he drove he asked her where to go first. Christen checked the list she had on her phone and on a piece of paper she brought with her yesterday. There were about forty places and twelve were crossed out already. “Hmm, how about the Yesterday’s Camp bookstore?” she asked with a small smile. She wanted to get a job already. She needed food on her table and probably a few new clothes. Liam nodded and made a salute her way, “To Yesterday’s Camp bookstore we go, milady!” Christen thought it was pretty cute and she had to laugh a little as she looked out the window. It was going to be a long day indeed especially if all these things on her list would fail her.
The deal was made. Liam, for all reasons and causes that Christen could think of, would never step out of the car as she applied for work. “It would only make them wonder why I’m even applying if someone like you gets to come with me as I look for a job,” she explained. “Also, they won’t give me a job wholeheartedly. They might just accept me because you’re there. So, no, you’re staying inside the car while I go apply or else I’m just gonna continue alone.” She did sound quite stern and Liam understood. “Fine, I’m staying here but don’t run, okay? I’m really willing to drive you the whole day today.” Christen nodded and offered her hand for that to be affirmed. Wrong move for her though, because the moment he shook her hand, she felt electric shocks all over her body. She smiled awkwardly after pulling her hand away and walking out of the car and into the bookstore.
It’s been a grueling three hours. Still no job. She was either too young and too inexperienced or a little less professional than they would need. She was in her seat inside the car, crossing out yet another failed attempt. She was slowly losing her patience but she didn’t want to throw a tantrum. Christen sighed, slouching on the seat and covering her face with the paper as she grunted loudly. “I’m so tired,” she said to nobody in particular.
“You know, you don’t have to finish all of that,” he said pointing at her list. Christen looked at him with a slight glare. “Are you kidding me? I have nothing to eat, I can’t go back to school. I have to finish it,” she said exasperatedly. Liam shook his head and managed to huff before he spoke again. “I mean, why don’t you post your resume online? You won’t have to go around the city looking for a job and wasting money and energy and time,” he explained to her.
Well, that was a good thought. But Christen refused to be moved. She sat up, looking straight at him. “If my resume was only pleasing and impressive, I would have done that already. But it’s not. That is why I go around, hoping that maybe my persistence would win them over. Unfortunately, even that tactic isn’t paying off.”
Liam kept quiet for a while, leaning against the head rest. He was thinking, musing what he could do to help this girl who was starting to become irate. Maybe she was hungry. “Are you hungry? Would you like some lunch?” he asked. Christen shook her head, an irritated look on her face. She sighed heavily, looking at her paper like she was about to burn it with her look. Liam nodded, sighing as well. He and Christen would soon get on each other’s nerves if he doesn’t do something to lighten up her mood.
His face lit up and he smirked as he turned the engine on. Christen locked the door, she was surprised, “Where are we going?” Liam just smiled sweetly at her and started driving. “Just wait and see. You’re slowly getting pissed off at the world and that’s not a good outlook in life. You should always be positive,” he said to her, winking even. Christen just looked at him and then at the road. She was excited deep inside. But, at the same time, she was wondering why he was being so nice to her. Were they being followed? Was this a part of their publicity scheme?
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